Vacation's Over

So far what's the best part of being back from vacation? Why, regaling people with tales of our exploits of course! There's nothing quite like trapping an unsuspecting friend or family member for an hour or more telling them every little detail of your getaway. Nothing says "I missed you" more than rubbing it in how much fun you had while you were either 1.) away from that person or 2.) while they were stuck at home stuck in their day to day life. My favorite part is that exact moment when you can tell they've mentally checked out of the conversation. The dropping eyes, the slack jaw, the drooling. Priceless. That's when I know I've really done my job. I usually choose that moment to break out the souvenir I bought them (usually a shot glass they won't use or a t-shirt they won't wear) that way I can reel their attention back in for a few precious minutes before I lose them for good. Eventually I want to incorporate in some sort of 6 hour slide show/video presentation/photo album with either a pop quiz at the end or electric shocks during so my (prisoners) audience is forced to pay attention. I think I'll get to work on that for next time.....

It's hot.

Ahhhh...what a lovely day! It's a balmy 92 degrees. Not bad for the middle of summ-....wait. <> What the....? May 10th??!! It's too friggin' HOT for May 10th!!! I gotta tell ya, this does not bode well for what may be coming when summer actually gets here. If it was 92 and it was the middle of June I would turn the air on. But I REFUSE to turn my air on on May 10. F- you Mother Nature! I would rather sit here uncomfortably soaking in my own body sweat and surrounded by the stench of B.O. than give in to you and your mood swings! Just because I have kids dropping like flies all around me, and actual flies drawn to me thanks to my pit sweat does not mean you will win again! I have windows. I have fans. And I have to work at 6:00. Which means there is air conditioning in my future. Just NOT at MY house. So there!

I have had such a bad headache today. Then I took the kids to Walmart.....and that made it even worse. I find myself surprising optimistic whenever I take the kids to Walmart. I tend to forget how annoying and stressful it was the last time I took them.

Bra shopping

Walmart mirrors make me look like shit. And I am convinced they do this on purpose. As of yet, I can find no reason WHY they would do this. But I'm sure it has something to do with a corporate-greed-perverted-sense-of-humor thing. It's not just me either, it's you too. I'm sorry to be the barer of that bad news, but I refuse to think it's just me. There's is NO WAY that every time I leave the house to go try something on in the Walmart dressing room that I look that shitty. There's just no way.

Which brings me to my 2nd point. I have discovered the 7th circle of hell. No, it's not the mirrors that make me look hideous, it's what I was in the dressing room for in the first place. Bra shopping. Is there anything worse??? Actually, a few weeks ago I thought jeans shopping was the worst and the time before that I thought it was swimsuit shopping (which I'm sure has it's own seperate section of hell). But bra shopping has bumped both of those out of the top spot.

In order to find a bra that fits I have to first ackowledge that I am too fat around with too small of boobs to account for being too fat around. Go ahead and <> all you want, but according to bra makers this is the gospel truth. So I was on the hunt for a bra that is big enough around, with the right cup size, with padding, support and comfort, and that still looks pretty enough for me to want to disrob in front of my husband. This bra does not exist. So I did the best with what was available. Which means I got an ill-fitting, no padding, uncomfortable underwire, dorky looking boob sling and I paid too much for it. Just kidding. But I did get 2 bras, same brand but different styles in 2 different sizes. Explain that one to me. And I thought the Walmart mirror makers were the ones with the sick sense of humor.

Glasses

I wear glasses full time. Most of you know this already. I tried contacts in high school, but once I switched back to glasses I never went to contacts again. Here's the deal-- I can't see shit without my glasses. We have an Arthur (a PBS cartoon character) book where D.W. wants to get glasses (mainly for cosmetic reasons as far as I can tell), but Arthur actually needs glasses to see. In the book he tries telling D.W. this and explaining that before he got glasses a log looked like a dog, some trash looked like some cash, and some string looked like a ring. That's me. And I had an experience like this last night.

Jackson woke up while it was still dark out. Once I got him back to bed I was crawling back into my bed half asleep and there was a blanket on the floor by my bed. Without my glasses on it looked like my dog was laying on the floor, but I wasn't sure. So in my half asleep state I thought stepping on the blanket was a good way to determine whether or not this was my dog. WHY did this seem like a good plan?? If it would've been her I would've been STEPPING ON HER for no apparent reason other than to just determine whether or not she was there!

And I will admit that this happened after I just got done telling my kid to go back to sleep because it was the middle of the night. When actually it was 7:00 am. Oops.

An 11 Step Program Before You Have Kids

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first:



1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2



Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3



A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)



Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4



Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 5



Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.



Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6



Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7



Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8



1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.



You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9



Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10



Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11



Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need if you become a parent =)



For anyone reading this, I'm thrilled if you enjoyed it, as I did. However, I did not write it. It was posted on Facebook by a friend of mine.

Well, it turns out that I'm a great big wuss. I know to some people this may not come as much of a surprise, especially given my history with fear of snakes, but this was a bit of a let down to myself. I have a decent size Christmas village. Mainly it's 4 buildings, a few people and some decor (trees, fences, a lamp post, etc.) The people and such I bought for myself, mainly off Christmas clearance at Walmart, but Fran bought me every one of the buildings. Every year for the past 4 years that has been my standing Christmas gift from her. Try as I might, I CANNOT put them out this year. I know, I know...."She would want you to put them out." Blah, blah, blah, not gonna happen. I can't even bring myself to get them outta their boxes. I told Aaron it was because we didn't have anywhere to out them, But I know darn good and well that if I really wanted them out then dammit they'd be out. I can't even look at the boxes let alone take them out, set up the village, and look at it every day til Christmas. No. Maybe next year I'll feel different and the pain won't be so fresh. But this year I can't handle a broken heart thru the entire month of December.