Glasses

I wear glasses full time. Most of you know this already. I tried contacts in high school, but once I switched back to glasses I never went to contacts again. Here's the deal-- I can't see shit without my glasses. We have an Arthur (a PBS cartoon character) book where D.W. wants to get glasses (mainly for cosmetic reasons as far as I can tell), but Arthur actually needs glasses to see. In the book he tries telling D.W. this and explaining that before he got glasses a log looked like a dog, some trash looked like some cash, and some string looked like a ring. That's me. And I had an experience like this last night.

Jackson woke up while it was still dark out. Once I got him back to bed I was crawling back into my bed half asleep and there was a blanket on the floor by my bed. Without my glasses on it looked like my dog was laying on the floor, but I wasn't sure. So in my half asleep state I thought stepping on the blanket was a good way to determine whether or not this was my dog. WHY did this seem like a good plan?? If it would've been her I would've been STEPPING ON HER for no apparent reason other than to just determine whether or not she was there!

And I will admit that this happened after I just got done telling my kid to go back to sleep because it was the middle of the night. When actually it was 7:00 am. Oops.

An 11 Step Program Before You Have Kids

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first:



1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2



Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3



A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)



Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4



Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 5



Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.



Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6



Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7



Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8



1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.



You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9



Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10



Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11



Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need if you become a parent =)



For anyone reading this, I'm thrilled if you enjoyed it, as I did. However, I did not write it. It was posted on Facebook by a friend of mine.

Well, it turns out that I'm a great big wuss. I know to some people this may not come as much of a surprise, especially given my history with fear of snakes, but this was a bit of a let down to myself. I have a decent size Christmas village. Mainly it's 4 buildings, a few people and some decor (trees, fences, a lamp post, etc.) The people and such I bought for myself, mainly off Christmas clearance at Walmart, but Fran bought me every one of the buildings. Every year for the past 4 years that has been my standing Christmas gift from her. Try as I might, I CANNOT put them out this year. I know, I know...."She would want you to put them out." Blah, blah, blah, not gonna happen. I can't even bring myself to get them outta their boxes. I told Aaron it was because we didn't have anywhere to out them, But I know darn good and well that if I really wanted them out then dammit they'd be out. I can't even look at the boxes let alone take them out, set up the village, and look at it every day til Christmas. No. Maybe next year I'll feel different and the pain won't be so fresh. But this year I can't handle a broken heart thru the entire month of December.

Hate is a strong word

There are a few things in life that I hate. Yeh, yeh, I know-- "hate" is a very strong word, blah, blah, blah...but I do. And for these few things that I hate I seem to receive alot of flack. I'll start off with the biggest one, the one I get THE MOST FLACK over: I hate the song "Piano Man". I can hear your cries of outrage from here. I think it is one of the crappiest songs ev-er. I hate the music, the lyrics, the tempo, everything. Just hearing it come on the radio makes me want to jab a stick in my eye, or my ear would be better I guess, just to make it stop.

Here's a couple more. I kinda group these 2 together for some reason. I hate the phrase Live, Laugh, Love. It bugs me. You'd think I'd like it because it does have a happy message- Hey everybody! Live! Laugh! and Love! But it's friggin' everywhere and it's annoying. You can get that phrase on anything. Magnets, plaques, door hangers, t-shirts. You can even just have it directly printed (painted?) onto a wall in your house. I think my sister actually does have it on her kitchen wall. Ugh. (sorry sis)

This is the 2nd of those 2, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think more people would have that painted on their walls if it wasn't so damn long. When I'm going thru something SO BAD that it's killing me, when it's over I don't feel stronger. I feel like I've been beaten by a gang of Crips. Or Bloods. Whichever one is more vicious. Then I have to rebuild my inner strength just to get back to how emotionally strong I was before. I'm not stronger than I was. I was just beat down then got back to normal. And actually what I went thru doesn't make me stronger instead I feel a little twinge of fear/anxiaty whenever I think of going thru it, so really it made me weaker.

I'm sure I could sit here and come up with a few more things, because there are more, but I'm kinda hungry. I'm going to go grab a snack.

Disney Vacation 2010

Well, we did it. That famous right of passage that every family must take at some point: The Big Family Vacation. Not a day trip to Grandma's. Not a weekend jaunt to the Omaha Zoo. I'm talkin' a BIG one. Those of you who've made such a trip know that there's only a few places in the US from Iowa that really qualify as a Big Trip. Mount Rushmore/South Dakota is one. The Grand Canyon is another. If you're really in a pinch you could go to either coast and it would count. But we ALL know that the Holy Grail of all family vacations is a Disney Vacation. And that's what we did.

The hubby and I took both our boys to Disney World. What the hell we were smokin' when we thought this was a good, feasible plan is beyond me. But when your mind is in Disney Mode you have visions of the 4 of you, one big happy family, frolicking thru the Magic Kingdom, riding rides, eating treats, taking pictures galore, dancing with Mickey, me dressed as a Princess..... but I digress. You have all these pictures in your head and you conveniently forget about THESE things: heat, money, car travel, lines, strangers, tired legs, sore feet, B.O., crabby kids, crabby husband, crabby you and a million other things categorized under "Real Life" that threaten your perfect ideal of Disney Vacation.

If you're willing to put up with these unfortunate interruptions from Real Life (as we did) then and only then, can you truly forge ahead on you family vacay. Oh, I admit, there were a couple times I tried to ditch at least one of member of my family when we were there. Unfortunately, they always seemed to find their way back to me. (Dammit.) I tell ya, by the last half hour of the trip home- which we all know is the loooongest- I was ready to push all 3 of them to the side of the road and wish 'em the best of luck. And considering that lunch every day was over $30 (and that's for a basic meal of burgers and fries!) for all of us I considered at one point an even swap of my youngest child for our meal. But that was a no go.

I now file our Disney Vacation under the same file in my mind as roller coaster rides and both of my kids' births. Let me tell you why. After all the pain, suffering, uncomfortableness, sweat and tears, I now have nothing in my head but happy memories, nothing in my camera but smiles and fun, and nothing in my heart but a desire to go back and do it again.

Ah, allergies. Ain't they grand? There's nothing like walking around snucking all day (if you've battled allergies, you know exactly what snucking is). I have taken so much allergy medicine today that I'm waiting to fall to the floor with convulsions in a mild over-dose. I have broke out the hidden box of expensive Puff's Plus with lotion that I keep under the bathroom counter and I'm wondering how long I can keep typing before I nose-drip onto the keyboard. My guess is not that long. I keep tipping my head back in hopes that some of it will drain down my throat just for a change, but that plan will only come back to bite me in the ass later when I develope a hacking cough. My only hope for minimal comfort is to lay down on my bed, head tipped back, Puff's close by, waiting for the meds to (hopefully) kick in before I start hallucinating.

Fears

Here is a brief list of some of my top fears. My single most fear, like most people, is something happening to the husband, the kids, or a family memeber. It's such a huge fear that it's on a whole seperate list all by it's self. Here are the rest of the fears. I admit, some are irrational, but here goes:


Tie for 1st: snakes and clowns (I'm getting a huge creep factor just typing those)

Falling out of a car

Falling down the stairs

Being buried alive

Zombies chasing me

Cancer

Growing another eyeball somewhere on my body