Crazy Hair

I've been experimenting with new hair styles this week. Nothing too wild and crazy, no cutting of the hair, just pinning it up a different way. Eh. So far so good, I guess. Change is good, right?? My hair is shoulder length and curly, and I can't stand having it hanging in my face. I like my hair for the most part, but what I was thinking of this morning is the fact that I even have to "deal with" curly hair.

My whole entire life I had stick straight hair. At one point it was all one length, down to my waist. Very pretty! But when Fran got sick the first time and she lost her hair thanks to chemo I shaved my head as a show of sisterhood. Actually, I let my brother shave my head and to this day I feel he got just a little TOO much enjoyment out of the experience. My point is when my hair grew back it came in curly. Wth??? ME with CURLY hair?? What alternate universe is this??

So I learned to style curly hair. I buy curly hair/volumizing products and most of the time either clip it out of my face or throw it into a ponytail. My point is they always say girls with straight hair want curly and girls with curly hair want straight. I'm here to tell you IT DOESN'T MATTER. I had bad hair days when I had straight hair and I still have bad hair days with curly hair.

So...<>...be happy with what you've got! Because, curly or straight, everyone has bad hair days! And I can vouch for this!

Inspired by Robin

Well, here we are again....October. Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Ever since Fran first got sick Breast Cancer Awareness has became my "thing". I've helped raise money, I have several pink ribbon shirts and jewelry items, I buy things because they promise to donate a portion of my purchase to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. I get it. I'm there. And I'm all for helping women get passed feeling embarrassed and start feeling themselves up (because, let's face it ladies, YOU are the person who knows your girls the best!) and get those lumps looked at and get those boobs flattened into pancakes during mammograms. The more we raise awareness the more future generations will stay on top of it, catch it early, and do what it takes to beat this horrible, horrible disease.

But.....MY friend did all that. She found the lump, she did the chemo, she got the mastectomy, she did it ALL. And she died ANYWAY. All the pink in the world didn't save MY friend. So now that we find ourselves once again in October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and I see pink everywhere I can't help it that apparently the next step in my grieving process is bitterness.

Vacation's Over

So far what's the best part of being back from vacation? Why, regaling people with tales of our exploits of course! There's nothing quite like trapping an unsuspecting friend or family member for an hour or more telling them every little detail of your getaway. Nothing says "I missed you" more than rubbing it in how much fun you had while you were either 1.) away from that person or 2.) while they were stuck at home stuck in their day to day life. My favorite part is that exact moment when you can tell they've mentally checked out of the conversation. The dropping eyes, the slack jaw, the drooling. Priceless. That's when I know I've really done my job. I usually choose that moment to break out the souvenir I bought them (usually a shot glass they won't use or a t-shirt they won't wear) that way I can reel their attention back in for a few precious minutes before I lose them for good. Eventually I want to incorporate in some sort of 6 hour slide show/video presentation/photo album with either a pop quiz at the end or electric shocks during so my (prisoners) audience is forced to pay attention. I think I'll get to work on that for next time.....

It's hot.

Ahhhh...what a lovely day! It's a balmy 92 degrees. Not bad for the middle of summ-....wait. <> What the....? May 10th??!! It's too friggin' HOT for May 10th!!! I gotta tell ya, this does not bode well for what may be coming when summer actually gets here. If it was 92 and it was the middle of June I would turn the air on. But I REFUSE to turn my air on on May 10. F- you Mother Nature! I would rather sit here uncomfortably soaking in my own body sweat and surrounded by the stench of B.O. than give in to you and your mood swings! Just because I have kids dropping like flies all around me, and actual flies drawn to me thanks to my pit sweat does not mean you will win again! I have windows. I have fans. And I have to work at 6:00. Which means there is air conditioning in my future. Just NOT at MY house. So there!

I have had such a bad headache today. Then I took the kids to Walmart.....and that made it even worse. I find myself surprising optimistic whenever I take the kids to Walmart. I tend to forget how annoying and stressful it was the last time I took them.

Bra shopping

Walmart mirrors make me look like shit. And I am convinced they do this on purpose. As of yet, I can find no reason WHY they would do this. But I'm sure it has something to do with a corporate-greed-perverted-sense-of-humor thing. It's not just me either, it's you too. I'm sorry to be the barer of that bad news, but I refuse to think it's just me. There's is NO WAY that every time I leave the house to go try something on in the Walmart dressing room that I look that shitty. There's just no way.

Which brings me to my 2nd point. I have discovered the 7th circle of hell. No, it's not the mirrors that make me look hideous, it's what I was in the dressing room for in the first place. Bra shopping. Is there anything worse??? Actually, a few weeks ago I thought jeans shopping was the worst and the time before that I thought it was swimsuit shopping (which I'm sure has it's own seperate section of hell). But bra shopping has bumped both of those out of the top spot.

In order to find a bra that fits I have to first ackowledge that I am too fat around with too small of boobs to account for being too fat around. Go ahead and <> all you want, but according to bra makers this is the gospel truth. So I was on the hunt for a bra that is big enough around, with the right cup size, with padding, support and comfort, and that still looks pretty enough for me to want to disrob in front of my husband. This bra does not exist. So I did the best with what was available. Which means I got an ill-fitting, no padding, uncomfortable underwire, dorky looking boob sling and I paid too much for it. Just kidding. But I did get 2 bras, same brand but different styles in 2 different sizes. Explain that one to me. And I thought the Walmart mirror makers were the ones with the sick sense of humor.

Glasses

I wear glasses full time. Most of you know this already. I tried contacts in high school, but once I switched back to glasses I never went to contacts again. Here's the deal-- I can't see shit without my glasses. We have an Arthur (a PBS cartoon character) book where D.W. wants to get glasses (mainly for cosmetic reasons as far as I can tell), but Arthur actually needs glasses to see. In the book he tries telling D.W. this and explaining that before he got glasses a log looked like a dog, some trash looked like some cash, and some string looked like a ring. That's me. And I had an experience like this last night.

Jackson woke up while it was still dark out. Once I got him back to bed I was crawling back into my bed half asleep and there was a blanket on the floor by my bed. Without my glasses on it looked like my dog was laying on the floor, but I wasn't sure. So in my half asleep state I thought stepping on the blanket was a good way to determine whether or not this was my dog. WHY did this seem like a good plan?? If it would've been her I would've been STEPPING ON HER for no apparent reason other than to just determine whether or not she was there!

And I will admit that this happened after I just got done telling my kid to go back to sleep because it was the middle of the night. When actually it was 7:00 am. Oops.

An 11 Step Program Before You Have Kids

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first:



1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2



Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3



A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)



Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4



Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 5



Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.



Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6



Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7



Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8



1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.



You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9



Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10



Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11



Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need if you become a parent =)



For anyone reading this, I'm thrilled if you enjoyed it, as I did. However, I did not write it. It was posted on Facebook by a friend of mine.

Well, it turns out that I'm a great big wuss. I know to some people this may not come as much of a surprise, especially given my history with fear of snakes, but this was a bit of a let down to myself. I have a decent size Christmas village. Mainly it's 4 buildings, a few people and some decor (trees, fences, a lamp post, etc.) The people and such I bought for myself, mainly off Christmas clearance at Walmart, but Fran bought me every one of the buildings. Every year for the past 4 years that has been my standing Christmas gift from her. Try as I might, I CANNOT put them out this year. I know, I know...."She would want you to put them out." Blah, blah, blah, not gonna happen. I can't even bring myself to get them outta their boxes. I told Aaron it was because we didn't have anywhere to out them, But I know darn good and well that if I really wanted them out then dammit they'd be out. I can't even look at the boxes let alone take them out, set up the village, and look at it every day til Christmas. No. Maybe next year I'll feel different and the pain won't be so fresh. But this year I can't handle a broken heart thru the entire month of December.

Hate is a strong word

There are a few things in life that I hate. Yeh, yeh, I know-- "hate" is a very strong word, blah, blah, blah...but I do. And for these few things that I hate I seem to receive alot of flack. I'll start off with the biggest one, the one I get THE MOST FLACK over: I hate the song "Piano Man". I can hear your cries of outrage from here. I think it is one of the crappiest songs ev-er. I hate the music, the lyrics, the tempo, everything. Just hearing it come on the radio makes me want to jab a stick in my eye, or my ear would be better I guess, just to make it stop.

Here's a couple more. I kinda group these 2 together for some reason. I hate the phrase Live, Laugh, Love. It bugs me. You'd think I'd like it because it does have a happy message- Hey everybody! Live! Laugh! and Love! But it's friggin' everywhere and it's annoying. You can get that phrase on anything. Magnets, plaques, door hangers, t-shirts. You can even just have it directly printed (painted?) onto a wall in your house. I think my sister actually does have it on her kitchen wall. Ugh. (sorry sis)

This is the 2nd of those 2, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think more people would have that painted on their walls if it wasn't so damn long. When I'm going thru something SO BAD that it's killing me, when it's over I don't feel stronger. I feel like I've been beaten by a gang of Crips. Or Bloods. Whichever one is more vicious. Then I have to rebuild my inner strength just to get back to how emotionally strong I was before. I'm not stronger than I was. I was just beat down then got back to normal. And actually what I went thru doesn't make me stronger instead I feel a little twinge of fear/anxiaty whenever I think of going thru it, so really it made me weaker.

I'm sure I could sit here and come up with a few more things, because there are more, but I'm kinda hungry. I'm going to go grab a snack.

Disney Vacation 2010

Well, we did it. That famous right of passage that every family must take at some point: The Big Family Vacation. Not a day trip to Grandma's. Not a weekend jaunt to the Omaha Zoo. I'm talkin' a BIG one. Those of you who've made such a trip know that there's only a few places in the US from Iowa that really qualify as a Big Trip. Mount Rushmore/South Dakota is one. The Grand Canyon is another. If you're really in a pinch you could go to either coast and it would count. But we ALL know that the Holy Grail of all family vacations is a Disney Vacation. And that's what we did.

The hubby and I took both our boys to Disney World. What the hell we were smokin' when we thought this was a good, feasible plan is beyond me. But when your mind is in Disney Mode you have visions of the 4 of you, one big happy family, frolicking thru the Magic Kingdom, riding rides, eating treats, taking pictures galore, dancing with Mickey, me dressed as a Princess..... but I digress. You have all these pictures in your head and you conveniently forget about THESE things: heat, money, car travel, lines, strangers, tired legs, sore feet, B.O., crabby kids, crabby husband, crabby you and a million other things categorized under "Real Life" that threaten your perfect ideal of Disney Vacation.

If you're willing to put up with these unfortunate interruptions from Real Life (as we did) then and only then, can you truly forge ahead on you family vacay. Oh, I admit, there were a couple times I tried to ditch at least one of member of my family when we were there. Unfortunately, they always seemed to find their way back to me. (Dammit.) I tell ya, by the last half hour of the trip home- which we all know is the loooongest- I was ready to push all 3 of them to the side of the road and wish 'em the best of luck. And considering that lunch every day was over $30 (and that's for a basic meal of burgers and fries!) for all of us I considered at one point an even swap of my youngest child for our meal. But that was a no go.

I now file our Disney Vacation under the same file in my mind as roller coaster rides and both of my kids' births. Let me tell you why. After all the pain, suffering, uncomfortableness, sweat and tears, I now have nothing in my head but happy memories, nothing in my camera but smiles and fun, and nothing in my heart but a desire to go back and do it again.

Ah, allergies. Ain't they grand? There's nothing like walking around snucking all day (if you've battled allergies, you know exactly what snucking is). I have taken so much allergy medicine today that I'm waiting to fall to the floor with convulsions in a mild over-dose. I have broke out the hidden box of expensive Puff's Plus with lotion that I keep under the bathroom counter and I'm wondering how long I can keep typing before I nose-drip onto the keyboard. My guess is not that long. I keep tipping my head back in hopes that some of it will drain down my throat just for a change, but that plan will only come back to bite me in the ass later when I develope a hacking cough. My only hope for minimal comfort is to lay down on my bed, head tipped back, Puff's close by, waiting for the meds to (hopefully) kick in before I start hallucinating.

Fears

Here is a brief list of some of my top fears. My single most fear, like most people, is something happening to the husband, the kids, or a family memeber. It's such a huge fear that it's on a whole seperate list all by it's self. Here are the rest of the fears. I admit, some are irrational, but here goes:


Tie for 1st: snakes and clowns (I'm getting a huge creep factor just typing those)

Falling out of a car

Falling down the stairs

Being buried alive

Zombies chasing me

Cancer

Growing another eyeball somewhere on my body

Back to school

Well, I made it alot longer than I thought I would. I made it over half-way thru the summer before I grabbed my head in my hands and yelled, "How much longer til school staaaarrrrts??!!" Believe me, I know lots of teachers, and I know none of them are anxious for school to start. Actually, I know lots of kids who feel the same way, come to think of it. But us parents on the other hand....most of us are on the same page: Get 'em back to school!!!

I do admit, however, that there are several things I'm not looking forward to with school starting. Getting kids outta bed in the morning, homework, buying school supplies, possible calls from teachers..... But all of that will be worth it to get bored kids outta the house and into the classroom =)

Here is a small list of things I wish you could lose massive amounts of weight by doing:

eating
watching tv
yelling at kids
washing your hands
driving
facebooking
playing cards
washing dishes
petting a dog
talking on the phone
spotting Elvis
checking your email
reading
blogging
making funny faces
dusting
texting
blowing your nose
scratching a lottery ticket
shopping for flip flops
movie quoting

Weight Loss

Here is a small list of things I wish you could lose massive amounts of weight by doing:

eating
watching tv
yelling at kids
washing your hands
driving
facebooking
playing cards
washing dishes
petting a dog
talking on the phone
spotting Elvis
checking your email
reading
blogging
crying
making funny faces
dusting
texting
blowing your nose
scratching a lottery ticket

This name takes the cake

So..... I talked to a friend of mine today. Got the update on the divorce (blah, blah, blah. Nothing new there.) BUT we also talked about his sister being pregnant. A couple things: She's high risk pregnancy because of something with her heart when she was little, and they pretty much expect her to be on bedrest the last 2 months. They spent $45,000 (!!!) trying to get pregnant. It's a boy and they HAD a name picked out for him, but everyone gave them so much greif about it that they picked a different name and won't tell anyone what it is. Want to know the original name? Bazzle. Like Bazzle from Austin Powers. Yeh. Why doesn't she just kick the kids ass everyday before he goes to school and save everyone the trouble?

Knuckle

Here's my train of thought: I have a bruise on the knuckle of my wedding ring finger. Don't know how it got there, but it's not pretty. Which led me to think of a game we used to play when we were kids. A very stupid, time-wasting, painful game called Bloody Knuckles. Which in turn led to me thinking about stupid, time-wasting, sometimes painful "games" that my boys play. I call them "Let's see who's gonna cry first". For some reason they fail to see that when they are wrestling, and neither of them knows when to quit, someone is going to cry. It blows my mind that they are surprised every time when one of them ends up getting hurt, yet daddy and I can see it coming from a mile away.

I have a feeling that I'm getting ready to step on a few toes with this one (Oh goody!). For years other religions and their traditions and rules have baffled me. Jehovah's Witnesses and the Catholic church alone boggle my mind. Most of the time I look at other religion's habits with bemusement, but recently I have come across a religious rule that truly confuses me. A couple of kids that I've taken on for the summer are not allowed to eat anything with gelatin because it comes from pigs which is a clove hoof animal which is associated with the devil. (I think I should probably point out a few things: 1.) I can't remember specifically what religion they are. Their mom told me, but I forgot. 2.) Russ and I attend an Assemblies of God church. And 3.) I GET the origin of the "cloven hoof" animal thing.)

Expanding on point 3: Like I said, I get it. Cloven hoof, devil has cloven feet. Gotcha. And I know that certain religions can't eat pork products because of this. Here's what I'm having trouble with-- these kids can't eat Jello or fruit snacks. Maybe it's because I have yet to meet a kid who doesn't like Jello or fruit snacks. Or maybe it's because I consider Jello and fruit snacks a integral part of childhood. I don't know.

Actually, the more I think about it, it's not the fact that they can't eat gelatin products. I can file that into the can't-eat-bacon-and-pork-chops category. Here's what I have trouble with: these little kids (6 and 9) believe that they will go to hell if they eat fruit snacks. Really??? Not, "It's frowned upon." "It's just not a good idea." or "It will give you gas.", but "You will go to hell." I can't wrap my mind around that! And surely I can't be the only one. You can't tell me that God cares if kids eat fruit snacks.

I suppose I'll just have to resign myself to the fact that different religions have different beliefs and we all have to be tolerant and accepting. But, apparently, the kids and I are bound for hell because we love fruit snacks.

For years Fran and I have called each other Clairee (her) and Weeza (me). She is Clairee because she is the pretty, put-together, Southern Belle and I am Weeza (actually spelled Ouiser in the movie) because I plan on being an old, crotchity woman who hates everyone =) We have signed emails, letters and birthday cards this way forever. Now she is battling cancer. Again. She is a breast cancer survivor, but now it's back and it's in her liver, spine, and lymphnodes. She was taking agressive chemo, but the side effects were kicking her ass and having no "good" affect. Since it wasn't doing any good they decided to stop and now it's just a waiting game as to when her liver will give out.

It's a whole different ballgame watching a grandparent go downhill (my grandma passed away a few months ago) and watching a best friend go downhill. She is my age, married to a great guy, has 2 daughters who are 4 aqnd 6, one of which is a special needs child. She is a sister, a daughter, a stepmom, a grandma, a friend, a church goer, a Navy vet, and one of the best people I know. The unfairness of it all is hard to comprehend.

While everyone else was out enjoying beer, BBQ's, and boating this Memorial Day weekend I was staying at her house trying to soak up every possible minute with her. All the while sharing her with 13 other people who were visiting and trying to spend time with her. I was sure we'd have to install a Take-a-Number machine outside her bedroom door. Everyone's heart is breaking.

All these years she was Clairee and I was Weeza. I'll probably still become Weeza with multiple husbands, ungrateful children and a dog who's hair is falling out, but how was I to know that in the end, even though she still embodies Clairee......she's actually Shelby.